thoughts

It's very humid here in Indiana. very unusal for this time of year, and very gross. I'm still here. Still facing the same daily struggels as I have been. if anything they've gotten worse which totally sucks. I've been very blue. and it's worse because my husband has been very sick. He was out all last week and didn't work. He went back to work today but is still really sick. So sick of worrying about everything.

fall

I love fall it's nice and cool here in Indiana, and the leaves are just beginning to get ready to change. makes for great sleeping weather, too. I'm ready for a snow-in, where we just can't get out to go anywhere because of bad weather. love that kind of stuff.

test

My test post was to see how the badge I was making looked. I like it! and Amanda likes it too!!

test

mmhhhh

Maybe if I say the bottom one enough times I'll believe it? LOL .

for all the whining I do!

For all the whining I do you'd think I was really bad off. I'm not in an abusive relationship, my husband in fact adores me. I have a job, we own our home (well in 8 years we will, lol!) heck we even own land in KY. My husband has a job, we're relatively healthy. we have until Obama messes it up, decent health insurance.
I'm at the end of my first round of Abilify and I don't think I'm going to keep taking it. the mood swings and just the overall feeling after that first really good week just aren't worth it.
I also saw a new yoga studip in town and I think I'll at least check out a few classes.
The third picture above is an embroidery project by Stephanie Tillman. How funny. it says "no she is not wearing two scrunchies!" it's called middle school bunnies. perfect title! All her projects are so funny.

Luz asked what brand of eyelashes I used in my last picture.They're Andrea/modlash starter kit. The glue came in it and they were about $7 at Walgreens. Can't be that!

snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes

fake eyelashes. what do you think?

time to update

just a couple of pictures of yours truly.

Monday monday

kind of feeling like siggghhhh again. Meds were working great, but kind of feel rollercoaster ish now. My brain and bod keep saying "excersise is whatcha need" but my heart says "it's too hot". lol. anyway, just hanging in there, hope you all are as well :)

oh heyyy

Heyyyyy. Been busy with my OTHER blog be sure to check it out! I drew my first winner and posted a new contest. Go forth and enter!

I had to change the banner picture because I'm so hot, and I love winter and snow! I think I'm in the minority but that's ok!

30 days

Tasra and the gang are on day 4 of 30 days to live challenge. I may be a day behind, not sure. But that's ok with me , since Tasra's got all this on her blog, I can catch if I need to.
My ongoing challenge and confession:

I'm afraid I'm not good enough to succeed in Mary Kay Cosmetics. Or have a peaceful life. By peaceful, I mean being able to sleep well knowing my future is finacially secure. That's my big worry, that in 10 years my husband will be almost 60 and I'm afraid he won't physically be able to work. That leaves us so little time to save. He's healthy now pretty much, but he's a heavy smoker, high cholestorol, overweight a big. But in these uncertain times of living paycheck to paycheck....
I was brought up in a large Catholic family, I didn't get the attention I wanted and needed. my folks did the best they could and I won't fault them. we have a good relationship but I still carry that guilt and feeling of "am I worthy"

day 2 of 30 days to no regrets

Tasra's makin' us think again! lol
1- If you were certain your life would end in 30 days, what would be your biggest regret? Why?

I would regret not trying harder at things...stuff. because I'm better than that.

2 What area of your life are you suffering from Someday Syndrome? (SS=one day, when, if only) oh definitely my Mary Kay life.

3 What metaphor would describe your life if you were fully awake and engaged?
No stopping me

4-Find a symbol to represent your metaphor and post it somewhere to remind you.

Maybe the stop sign with a big black line through it.

sleeping

It's 530 am and I can't sleep. I took one over the counter sleeping pill at 830 last night, slept good until 230. Been up since then. I'm supposed to work all day, but my head is killing me. I thought I was hunger so I ate something but now I feel worse. Sighhh! Oh well

check out this It's my new blog!! please leave a comment :)

I feel it's only fair...

To post something good. Something really good. I'm feeling GOOD!!!! I went to the dr and explained I was just overly anxious, to the point of it not being normal. And sad. We discussed options (I love my dr, please don't screw it up Obama) and agreed to try Abilify. And so far after a week, so good! I just feel better than I have in months. Thank goodness. Here's hoping it'll last.

not surprised

I'm not surprised that after a not horrible day yesterday, today would start out shitty. sometimes, I know i'm not cut out for my job. "not lady, we didn't steal your @ sign on your keyboard." "no dude, I don't know where you live"
trying to count my blessings while feeling like screaming.

just felt like blogging.

not feeling too bad today, which if you know me at all, is a very big deal.
took 3 days off and came back feeling a little rested. 32 days straight without a day off is just a bad idea. But had to do it. It's a cool overcast day, I love those kinds of days.
Here's to keep pushing on.

blanket

Little one took one look at the janky, badly sewn, wonky at the edges blanket, started tugging on her ear, yawned and later we took a 2 hour nap with it! So it's a success!

blanket

it's got major issues but that's only because this was made for Madison with so much it's oozing out!


That top picture is just because it's so honkin' cute!

can't stop watching/listeing to this

Such a great movie. so so so good. I can't recommend it enough!

I'm going to stop fighting

I finally realized it's time to quit fighting. I'm nothing special, I'll never be anything that I'd dreamt I'd be. Life is now about just getting by, not thriving. My ultimate fear has come true. I think it's time, though, to just accept that. Stop struggling and fighting and trying to make things better and glittery and happy. There's no degree I could get, no job I could have, no new hobby to take up that would make me happy. Not even losing weight. Yes I have moments of laughter and happiness. But they fade, really fast. then it's the same thing. I'll probably stop this blog now because I've realized there is no 365 days to change. there's not going to be some big change or switch into a life I want. I've racked my brains trying to figure out what makes me happy. Or what would make me happy. And I've come up blank.
I can't say I didn't try, and I don't regret what I've tried for one second. It's just not going to happen.
To anyone who took the time to read and comment, thank you.


Edit: Maybe I should clarify or at least point out I so so so am lucky and thank God every night for my blessing. I'm more blessed than I deserve to be. BUT, when you shoot for the moon, and you miss the stars by millions and millions of miles, and land in dirt, sure it's better than some places but by no means is it the moon.

Memorial Day

Hope everyone is having/had a good Memorial Day weekend. We had a bonfire/cookout w/ the kids. It was really fun. We slept until after 10am this morning. Which was really nice.
We did a little shopping , a lot of eating and some more sleeping (was just so sleepy all day). Chris is watching some military type movies (kellys heros, dirty dozen). I'll post pics later.
xoxo

post number 101

101 posts of what sometimes I feel like is whining drivel.
Yesterday i spent the afternoon with Madison. she's so vocal and wordy at 2 years old! And so so active. She wore herself and me out. She literally plays until we tie her in her car seat and take her home. I was so sore this morning. But totally worth it.

Here she is playing in the yard. She loved just running and twirling! and who doesn't love a good run and twirl. and that's my husband in the other picture.
It looks like I'm just growing weeds in the second picture. But hopefully this weekend I'll put up a birdbath and some flowers.

this face

I am submitting this photo into the www.iheartfaces.com Blurb Book photo contest. I am granting I ♥ Faces permission to use my photo in a printed version of a book for commercial use and possibly advertising of a photo book on both the Blurb and I ♥ Faces web sites.

99th post

wow, 99 posts. It seems like more.
I've been thinking a lot about the tone of my blog. My mission when I started this blog, and I've had 2 or 3 before this one, was to chart my change. and I don't know that I've changed that much, just done some normal probably mid-life growing. But the tone isn't always positive here. And I know the people who may stumble on my blog may think "hey, if I wanted to hear someone whine, I'd go some where else. I got enough problems of my own." And that's fine, I totally get that because I feel the same way on some blogs.
I debated about purposely making this blog more rah rah look on the bright side. And I do strongly believe what you think about you bring about. And I'm definitely going to start making sure I include positive things on my posts, on purpose. But I'm still changing and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. So there's probably going to be sadness and depression still because that's where I am in life. I feel like I'm about as close to knowing what I want to be when I grow up as a 25 year old.

Happy for today:

~ Sunny weather
~I worked 3 hours today
~got a little yard work done
~quick visit with my sister Mary Kay. This picture is one she took of our parents. I think they look great!

if I knew how to spell the sound of making a Bronx cheer, I'd title this post with it

ugh, yuck yuck yuck. I keep whining I need a vacation i need a vacation but it's not in the budget. But I swear I'm going nuts. family member w/ major marital issue. married too young. this person will be staying here w/ us which for some reason is causing me major anxiety. I don't know why. I think becuase it's just been me and Chris for so long, we could yell and carry on or whatever without consideration for the other person. anyway.... blick blick yuck

bored

I'm bored. blah blah. It's been raining all day and Chris didn't get to work today, and tomorrow is out too, unless there's a miracle. I'm sooo sick of worrying about money. It just sucks.
I saw a cool thing on Dave Ramsey on tv Mothers Day. It was 'momprenuers' who called in about what they were doing to make money. Some were tutoring in Chemistry (so you know they're uber smart and probably don'treally need the money). one said she made $4000 last month selling bottle cap hair bows. Can you imagine?? she sells a lot on eBay she said.
This got me thinking about my etsy shop CLICK HERE PLEASE AND SO NO TO THE RECESSION . I added a few prints, just to see what if anything would happen. I really think these are priced too low. But I don't want to change the prices now. Anyway, the only problem with Etsy is there's TOO much on there. So much talent, it's nearly impossible to get noticed, kwim?
Thoughts? Suggestions?
For anyone who comments between now and Sunday night I'll draw a name for a free print of there choice from my shop!

i thought this was 365 days to change

more 365 YEARS to change. but you know what? it is O K! capital O capital K, ok. in my time, in Gods time. I don't like regret. I prefer to spin it into learning. I don't want to regret mistakes, or be embarrassed by things I might think now are dumb. I want to learn from all that, you know?

This picture is my sisters, all 7 of them, in 2007. Left to right, Brenda, Mary Kay, Charlotte, Sandra, Elizabeth, Melinda and Bonnie. My dad proudly says he let my mom name us all!
had things gone as I would have wanted I would have been wicked pregnant at that time. But it was not to be.

I heart faces

<

promises promises

A couple of feeble yet beautiful iris by our skanky pool. Our new/old dog Molly. A friend asked us to take her. she's so precious.

big underwear weekend

Yesterday , my birthday !, I decided this weekend was going to be a big comfy underwear weekend! Granny Panties as Chris calls them! lol. It's all about cocktails and relaxing.


None of my family except my husband Chris knows my blog address. If they do, I dont' know about it. But I still want to give a shout out to my sisters Bonnie, Charlotte, Mary Kay , Sandra and Melinda who're walking in the INdy 500 mini marathon today. (I didn't have the money to sign up). This started with my sister Elizabeth running it about 2 years ago, then she walked it with Sandra last year. Maybe next year all of us sisters (all 8 of us) can walk/run it together.



These pictures are from the loft in our barn. I thought it was a kickin' idea to go up there and take some pictures. But Sparky was with me and he got a little spooked up there. I was petrified he'd jump down (probably 10 feet + to the ground) so I had to make it quick. The stairs are real stairs. My husband drives a concrete truck and he's at new home contstruction a lot (or he was back in the day before dumb ass Obama-nomics was born). They were going to throw out this staircase because it didn't fit or it was the wrong one or something. Enter hubs! it was a perfect fit to get to the loft easier then climbing this ladder thingy.

my husband

He got me a NICE camera, the camera I wouldn't have dreamed of, for my birthday which isn't until the first. But I wanted to share some pics I took







I'm having a blast with it. I'm very new to SLR of course you can see. I can't wait to get some sunny weather to take more!

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy

This song cracks me up.

So true, huh?

I've got an 13+ list of to do items. I got the first 2 done. I'm doing them in order as I hate the chore, lol. Having a hog roast tomorrow for my nephew. He's gotten his permanent orders to go to Virgina Beach, VA for his Air force assignment. Send up prayers for strength for him and his gorgeous wife and baby; and also for his dad (my bro Bobby) and my SIL Debbie. They've always had their family close and this is hard for them. Of course they're proud but still.

memories

it was 2 years ago April 12 that I found out we miscarried. I was so naive. As I lay on the dr table getting the ultra sound and watching the screen, we could clearly see him. But so silent. I didn't know that's when I was supposed to hear the heartbeat, that sound of life. The nurse had me go pee, and she tried again and still, I just laid there oblivious. She said I could get dressed and told us to go into another room for a bit and someone would come talk to us. And still I sat there with Chris just waiting. Not really knowing or realizing what was going on. Then a lovely woman came in and said she was so sorry but they didn't hear a heartbeat, and they should have.
I just lost it. I remember feeling stupid. Like how could I have managed to get pregnant! of course not. My other blog, http://sneakylittlebugger.blogspot.com/, has more about what happened. Nothing unusual, just a miscarriage. Only it was life to us.
I'll never forget pulling into the driveway after the D & C and seeing a white dove or some kind of white bird, on our barn roof. I pointed it out to my husband and said "that's him. I think he's just making sure we made it home ok" I've never seen a dove out here and haven't since.

whoa sinuses, who's the boss here

evidently, they (the sinuses) are the boss. And they're raising hell.
Had a great time with Madison Tuesday. She had a little stuffy nose (lil bit, as she sweetly says). And of course I got sick after she left. Must have been all the kisses I was stealing from here! lol.
So I didn't work hardly at all this week which sux for my pay check but what can I say? I was/am sick. Tomorrow's Easter and I'll probably spend it home sick instead of going to my parents. My husband has taken good care of me, stopping to get me junk food * and stuff.
Speaking of husbands, we celebrated our 15 year anniversary. He got me a bug:



I've wanted one of them for a while, and was bidding on one on ebay. Then I accidently bought it! But I got a good deal and it's on its way. I dreamed they delivered it today, but no such luck.


* my weight, omg, it's over 144! I'm only 5 feet. But it was weird, when I saw the scale I didn't get mad or scared. I just said ok it's time. time stop all the junk food, drinking, etc. And I didn't even feel stressed the way I normally due when I think about changing my eating habits. Today when Chris got me 'junk' food, it was a grilled chicken sandwich, and yes fries too. But that's probably all I'm likely to eat because of not being able to taste much. Yesterday I followed good sensible guidelines and ate good. And as soon as I'm not sick I'll start working out again. I know this weight will come off, I'm not even worried. I'm not obsessing over what I can't have or anything!

what's worked for you?

this has been a really good week, I'm so relieved to say!
1-our tiny towns' pizza joint, Shrack Daddy's, is delivering again!!
2-McRib is back (for now)
3-my taxes are DONE. I was really stressing over it. In fact, my accountant stopped midsentence and said "are you ok? are you cold? or just nervous?" I said "nervous! I feel like I've been called to the principals office!" I hate taxes, I hate never knowing if we'll owe or not. Especially now that i work for myself. Luckily we're getting a refund, and my accounts are helping me get this set up better for next year.
4-My husbands hours at work have picked up which is so great!

Elizabeth from Creative Breathing commented on my last entry asking if I suffer from depression. Most definitely. I've been on medication for it for almost 10 years. I don't mind the medication, although it leaves me with what I can only describe as a dead unfeeling feeling inside. Sluggish I guess. But it's what I have to do, at least for now. I'm not strong enough to pull myself up by my bootstraps right now and be happier. But I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for something more homeopathic for fighting depression? I know for sure sex (hee hee), and exercise are a huge help. But what about vitamins for example?

This week promises to be better because I get to have a sleepover tomorrow with Madison!

what? who said that

Picture one Stations of the Cross my dad made in my (well the church I grew up in) church.

Picture two my original quote and the wall hanging I made for it

Picture three my mom , my sister Elizabeth in the back in red, my sister Mary Kay in blue and my sister Sandra on the end. The rest are some of my neices.

My weekend at Creating Keepsakes Convention in Louisville was ok. It was exhausting but fun to see all the scrapbook products. I really didn't take any pictures at the convention either. it was kind of crowded, but no too bad.

Things that are weighing down the brain and mood:

TAXES. Please tell me I'm not the only one not done? I have an appointment to get them done Thursday, and I'm petrified. I guess I'm just in denial. We've owed in the past so it's always a crapshoot and I'm always surprised by the outcome. This year with working from home, I'm sure it'll be a mess. ugh.

WEIGHT: but what else is new.

NOSE: it runs all the time

HOUSE: it's a wreck.

oh well

I might be getting better

I woke up feeling good! not usual, sadly, for me. Yesterday I said this to someone about my 'self' and my attitude: I'm better than I used to be, but not as good as will be.
What makes me feel good about that is that I said that without thinking or fear or hesitation. and it felt good.

Here's a wall hanging I made too of the quote

pics

Top picture is my sister Elizabeth tieing her daughter/my neice Graces' shoe
My brother Brad
My neice Emma in the pigtails (my sister Elizabeth makes the cutest kids!)

just woke up

have been incredibly exhausted this week. I can't sleep enough. I just woke up from a nap w/ Granddaughter. She's the best napping buddy. Remember that episode of Friends when Joey and Ross where nap buddies! I feel so good now. My house is a bit of a wee wreck, there's a wagon in the garage w/ a play horse and purse we found, probably of Madisons mommy and her aunt. so cute.
going out to dinner w/ my sister and her husband, Jennifer and her hubs for Mexican. should be yum

snowflake

you know the saying no 2 snowflakes are the same? Really? Is there someone who has seen every flake to say that. I find it hard to believe in the infinite snowflakes out there that there aren't 2 enough alike to say they're the same.

here I yam

I'm here, if anyone's there! lol.
been slugging it out with life. Taking almost all of today (worked 3 hours), all of tomorrow and ALL Monday off! Going w/ my sister to crop at our local scrappy store of goodness. I can't wait. We always laugh and chat and it's wonnerful.

time change

we never did the time change thing her in Indiana until a few years ago. And it kind of messes me up. Just this weird feeling of missing time. groggy.

Today was a good day. My brother,Brad, was in town for a few days from TX. I haven't seen him in a year! And that was when he was in the hospital w/ bad pnemonia. He looked good. Put on some much needed weight in my opinion. He needs a woman though. Just a good normal woman. All my sisters and my other brother and even some neices and nephews all got together for lunch. Good food, LOTS of laughs, and a tour of my church (still call it that even though I don't go there) getting an inside face lift. My dad is really excited about it and proud, so he wanted us to see it. He's making some frames, I think for the stations of the cross, for it too. That will be a legacy hopefully for years to come.I'll post pictures soon.

Here's to a great warm weather week.

not much to say

I've been overly tired. I really believe it's due to what's going on in the world. The worry and stress is exhausting. I took a 'mental health' day yesterday that i thought would really help but it didn't help as much as I'd hope. Just gotta keep on keeping on.

oh hello there

This is my brother Bobby, his oldest Danny, who's holding his little one TJ and my dad! My sister took this pic, btw
don't know if posted this but this: http://www.flickr.com/groups/1039153@N21/ is where I worship my love for her
do come join if you're a fan, mmkkaay?
It's 430 pm Saturday, finally done working, at least until Monday:). I desperately need a vacay, but am kind of worried my hours are going to get limited because we've got some new folks working. I hate to give up hours then be short later. Oh well, one day at a time

used to be

I used to be so much more fun than I am now. It's really sad. I was always making people laugh, being nice, and I prided myself on that. It makes me happy to make someones life a little easier, or nice. Now, I just labor through the days.
My fear is I'll never get back to that other person. My husband doesn't get my sense of humor, he thinks I'm silly. Plus he just looks right through me a lot of times, doesn't even see me.
I think it's from aging, and getting jaded and bitter, just don't see what the point of everything is. Not really a bad day , but not great either

spring cleaning?? yikes

not a fan of the housework here. And I'll tell you why: it doesn't seem to matter how hard I clean or what I do, the place is just a pig stye! Sure, I don't leave dirty dishes around (for long) and we have clean clothes to wear, but the dusting, vacumming MOPPING scrubbing, not so much.
But yesterday it dawned on me I'm looking forward to doing spring cleaning. I'm looking forward to clean windows, that's for sure. And warm enough weather to leave the doors open during the day :)

conversation

phone rings
Husband: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: what are you doing?
Me:putting on my bra (we been married 15 years almost,so we're pretty comfortable!)
Him...silence pause. "oh....does that... turn you on?"
Me: no!!!! why would it??
Him: I've never heard of that. Sitting on your bra!
me: I said PUTTING on my bra.

My nephew

This is Danny, my brothers oldest son and the first grandchild in our family. He just finished boot camp for the Air Force. He graduated in the top 5% of his unit/class, which was 800 people. We're so proud, but honestly, none of us are surprised he did so well. Something about growing up on a farm where it was just assumed you worked from sun up to sun down and then some. And I never have heard him complain.
He looks so much like my brother Bobby. Those piercing eyes. If Bobby looked at me like that I'd just want to run and hide because I knew he was mad! If Danny is ever in war and has to fight face to face w/ someone, I think they'll back down just based on those eyes!
He's a dad and a husband, too!

Picture heavy alert

I've been an Elise Blaha fan for a while. Here's her blog. (ps today or tomorrow is her b'day, go by her blog and give her a happy birthday!) She made a 'dear elise' book, you can see it here. Something about that mini book and her fabulous journaling resonated with me. A lot of her work does actually. Anyway, this is what I made from that inspiration. The journal on the page where you can't read it (lol) talks about it being ok. All of it. It's OK.
The cover of the book is actually the page with the little boy (Dick I guess) with the dog. I got that image from the book Dick and Jane, which there's a picture of. The second picture has a twill ribbon with quote from Christopher Reeve that says "when you choose hope, anything is possible."
There's one quote directly from Elises' book that says "I have more than enough to look forward to."
I'm not totally done with the book yet. And sorry for the crap pictures.
But you know I think it was Wednesday night I started on that book and I think that's why I woke up feeling so good Thursday. Just getting out some creativity.
I found myself censoring myself when I made the book a lot. Like "oh that won't look right. That doesn't match". So I tried to make a special effort to uncensor myself and just go with it.
THANK YOU ELISE. You really helped me this week. And Happy Birthday!