I'm going to stop fighting

I finally realized it's time to quit fighting. I'm nothing special, I'll never be anything that I'd dreamt I'd be. Life is now about just getting by, not thriving. My ultimate fear has come true. I think it's time, though, to just accept that. Stop struggling and fighting and trying to make things better and glittery and happy. There's no degree I could get, no job I could have, no new hobby to take up that would make me happy. Not even losing weight. Yes I have moments of laughter and happiness. But they fade, really fast. then it's the same thing. I'll probably stop this blog now because I've realized there is no 365 days to change. there's not going to be some big change or switch into a life I want. I've racked my brains trying to figure out what makes me happy. Or what would make me happy. And I've come up blank.
I can't say I didn't try, and I don't regret what I've tried for one second. It's just not going to happen.
To anyone who took the time to read and comment, thank you.


Edit: Maybe I should clarify or at least point out I so so so am lucky and thank God every night for my blessing. I'm more blessed than I deserve to be. BUT, when you shoot for the moon, and you miss the stars by millions and millions of miles, and land in dirt, sure it's better than some places but by no means is it the moon.

Memorial Day

Hope everyone is having/had a good Memorial Day weekend. We had a bonfire/cookout w/ the kids. It was really fun. We slept until after 10am this morning. Which was really nice.
We did a little shopping , a lot of eating and some more sleeping (was just so sleepy all day). Chris is watching some military type movies (kellys heros, dirty dozen). I'll post pics later.
xoxo

post number 101

101 posts of what sometimes I feel like is whining drivel.
Yesterday i spent the afternoon with Madison. she's so vocal and wordy at 2 years old! And so so active. She wore herself and me out. She literally plays until we tie her in her car seat and take her home. I was so sore this morning. But totally worth it.

Here she is playing in the yard. She loved just running and twirling! and who doesn't love a good run and twirl. and that's my husband in the other picture.
It looks like I'm just growing weeds in the second picture. But hopefully this weekend I'll put up a birdbath and some flowers.

this face

I am submitting this photo into the www.iheartfaces.com Blurb Book photo contest. I am granting I ♥ Faces permission to use my photo in a printed version of a book for commercial use and possibly advertising of a photo book on both the Blurb and I ♥ Faces web sites.

99th post

wow, 99 posts. It seems like more.
I've been thinking a lot about the tone of my blog. My mission when I started this blog, and I've had 2 or 3 before this one, was to chart my change. and I don't know that I've changed that much, just done some normal probably mid-life growing. But the tone isn't always positive here. And I know the people who may stumble on my blog may think "hey, if I wanted to hear someone whine, I'd go some where else. I got enough problems of my own." And that's fine, I totally get that because I feel the same way on some blogs.
I debated about purposely making this blog more rah rah look on the bright side. And I do strongly believe what you think about you bring about. And I'm definitely going to start making sure I include positive things on my posts, on purpose. But I'm still changing and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. So there's probably going to be sadness and depression still because that's where I am in life. I feel like I'm about as close to knowing what I want to be when I grow up as a 25 year old.

Happy for today:

~ Sunny weather
~I worked 3 hours today
~got a little yard work done
~quick visit with my sister Mary Kay. This picture is one she took of our parents. I think they look great!

if I knew how to spell the sound of making a Bronx cheer, I'd title this post with it

ugh, yuck yuck yuck. I keep whining I need a vacation i need a vacation but it's not in the budget. But I swear I'm going nuts. family member w/ major marital issue. married too young. this person will be staying here w/ us which for some reason is causing me major anxiety. I don't know why. I think becuase it's just been me and Chris for so long, we could yell and carry on or whatever without consideration for the other person. anyway.... blick blick yuck

bored

I'm bored. blah blah. It's been raining all day and Chris didn't get to work today, and tomorrow is out too, unless there's a miracle. I'm sooo sick of worrying about money. It just sucks.
I saw a cool thing on Dave Ramsey on tv Mothers Day. It was 'momprenuers' who called in about what they were doing to make money. Some were tutoring in Chemistry (so you know they're uber smart and probably don'treally need the money). one said she made $4000 last month selling bottle cap hair bows. Can you imagine?? she sells a lot on eBay she said.
This got me thinking about my etsy shop CLICK HERE PLEASE AND SO NO TO THE RECESSION . I added a few prints, just to see what if anything would happen. I really think these are priced too low. But I don't want to change the prices now. Anyway, the only problem with Etsy is there's TOO much on there. So much talent, it's nearly impossible to get noticed, kwim?
Thoughts? Suggestions?
For anyone who comments between now and Sunday night I'll draw a name for a free print of there choice from my shop!

i thought this was 365 days to change

more 365 YEARS to change. but you know what? it is O K! capital O capital K, ok. in my time, in Gods time. I don't like regret. I prefer to spin it into learning. I don't want to regret mistakes, or be embarrassed by things I might think now are dumb. I want to learn from all that, you know?

This picture is my sisters, all 7 of them, in 2007. Left to right, Brenda, Mary Kay, Charlotte, Sandra, Elizabeth, Melinda and Bonnie. My dad proudly says he let my mom name us all!
had things gone as I would have wanted I would have been wicked pregnant at that time. But it was not to be.

I heart faces

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promises promises

A couple of feeble yet beautiful iris by our skanky pool. Our new/old dog Molly. A friend asked us to take her. she's so precious.

big underwear weekend

Yesterday , my birthday !, I decided this weekend was going to be a big comfy underwear weekend! Granny Panties as Chris calls them! lol. It's all about cocktails and relaxing.


None of my family except my husband Chris knows my blog address. If they do, I dont' know about it. But I still want to give a shout out to my sisters Bonnie, Charlotte, Mary Kay , Sandra and Melinda who're walking in the INdy 500 mini marathon today. (I didn't have the money to sign up). This started with my sister Elizabeth running it about 2 years ago, then she walked it with Sandra last year. Maybe next year all of us sisters (all 8 of us) can walk/run it together.



These pictures are from the loft in our barn. I thought it was a kickin' idea to go up there and take some pictures. But Sparky was with me and he got a little spooked up there. I was petrified he'd jump down (probably 10 feet + to the ground) so I had to make it quick. The stairs are real stairs. My husband drives a concrete truck and he's at new home contstruction a lot (or he was back in the day before dumb ass Obama-nomics was born). They were going to throw out this staircase because it didn't fit or it was the wrong one or something. Enter hubs! it was a perfect fit to get to the loft easier then climbing this ladder thingy.